why does everything remind me of you? it hurts.

30days.

im sorry i sound like an emo freak these days (i know i do). no, i haven't (and don't plan to) going to the stage of slitting my wrists with rusty blades. im not like that(: gotta accept you can't be happy everyday no matter how hard you try, right? i know all that about thinking positively, but i really don't feel like being that kind of person recently, sorry. too bad if you think/see me in a different light right now.but im not like that 7/8 of the time, don't worry (:
hmm..it's hard to explain the joy of blogging to a non-blogger, well, think of blogging, like, writing music for instance, not only letting me ramble my nonsense, maybe also wishing that there's someone out there who understands? =x

if you dont have good memories from the past, to give you strength in the present if you need it, you wont be able to make it a good future, either :)

barbi wrote this in her email...it's meaningful.
maybe im scared.sometimes hanging onto good memories make me sad..haunt me..and maybe, regret.but it also makes me want to treasure them, remember them, just because of the happiness they've once brought, and every time i visit them again..


we can be victims of change, and yet, if we are strong enough, make powerful changes.
maybe i really have to accept, life is a oneway ticket.

sometimes i wish there were two of me, one who can smile and be happy all day, being ignorant and not having to think, to worry. the other, who can cry for hours, scream and be grouchy whenever she wants to, not having to care about worrying others around her, making them sad as well..
because it's so hard being both at the same time....

why do babies have this privilege then?whoever said responsibilites had to increase with age?

it's been a long time since ive had a good long cry to my heart's content, without having to hide, to silence myself, to hold back..

i feel like crying.

i think i might have a phobia, for sleeping at night [maybe that's why i sleep so much in the day? =/ ]

when all is quiet, it's the best time for the mind to think, to remember (my mum never understands why i always study only after 12) once my head rests on the pillow, i can't help thinking, questioning. the tears come naturally after a few minutes, and it hurts even more knowing i have to keep quiet. my lips hurt from biting on them too hard. teddy looks on, each time, being there silently and tries to comfort me, never works, more tears. i finally fall asleep after my eyes hurt too much, or ive ran out of tears.

almost 1.5months, everyday. it's almost becoming a routine that is hard to break. more intense, more frequent. it scares me...i don't want to cry anymore, im tired of guessing, i want to know why...
but to be honest with myself, am i scared to?

im scared of sleeping tonight. please don't make me cry anymore.

i wonder what happens when one cries too much?after the eyes hurt too much, the swelling, the burn, the pink swell still remaining the next morning, not to mention extremely dehydrated, permanent teethmark on lips, with blood. not being able to cry again? run out of tears? i hope.
maybe i'll find out soon.

there's only one person who can make me smile again, like i mean it.

hmm..watched "the island" this afternoon (yesterday). just a random dvd i found when i was bored and really needed to occupy myself with SOMETHING.was more interesting that i expected.it reminded me of the handmaid's tale -_-" except that handmaids are dressed in red, but the clones dressed all in white with puma trainers..ironic that the "protagonist" lincon was complaining of the whiteness just like offred said red was not her colour. red for sin and fertility and hmm...white..for purity and innocence? maybe i'm missing lit already...

ignorance is bliss?

maybe then i wouldnt feel so painful right now...

wha...whattt happened...

just switched this google account thing, pardon me, its beeenn a lonnnnggg time since ive been here..i feel like a new blogger all over again..like 4 years ago.hee.
oOoO~ they save your draft automatically like gmail as well?!?!?!?! WOW. great, no more retyping long posts for the 132432432th time when my dear computer decides to die on me.. yAy :D

haven't been updating, i know.

*hearing sudden random whispers around me: what?! she's still alive??*

but guess the biggest update in my life would be the end of IB? :D like,
finally!! after 2 years of torture...gonna miss doing art loadsss tho.
=/

ohh..and the graduation night on 12june and i haven't found a dress yet ):
why is it so akflnafn hard to find a dresssss???? -_-"

the first model looks scary but isn't this the prettiest thing ever? (: [they're 2 different types]


i don't know when will my next post be...not really in the blogging mood, bleah. not in the mood for anything. don't ask. and it's not that i have THAT an interesting life to blog about! d=
lets see...this morning i ate......and then i....*trails off* don't wanna bore you toooo muchhh (:
am i trying to avoid listening to what i don't hope to hear?